Everyone has a breaking point. For some it's harder to reach than others, but we all get there eventually. The only issue to worry about is just how psychotic a person's breaking point reaction will be. Some people just yell a few words, others punch a wall, and some just yell jibberish in their family's native language because expressing their anger in English is just too much to handle once they are up to their necks with bullshit.
I haven't reached my breaking point or gone into a Jerry Maguire flip out mode yet, but I know it will happen. Every day here I get closer to it. I'm not a violent person, I don't think I will do any harm to anyone, I will most likely just yell something. Probably something incoherent or completely awkward. One day I will be on the flightline and forget something. I'll immediately get mad and head back to the office to pick it up while still fuming with anger because I'm already working overtime. On the way back I jam my finger in the car door. 'Fucking shit damn door closed with finger in my hard ass fuck!!' My only hope will be that no one was around to hear it. But with my luck I'm sure there would be a big meeting taking place with everyone on the other side of the door thinking, ''Did he just yell, 'finger in my ass?''
I think my breaking point is coming because more and more things are starting to annoy me. I've only been here just over a month and I'm already thinking about wearing ear plugs 24/7. Every little noise, beep, scrape, scratch, and especially aircraft noise, just drives me fucking nuts. But the number one thing now that annoys me is the shuffling of cards. People love shuffling cards. Some do it when they aren't even playing a game. They just shuffle cards because they enjoy it or have some kind of weird O.C.D. We all have weird things we do and like. I know I have a lot of nervous ticks, but at least mine are silent. I don't go around popping gum bubbles or blowing an air horn every 10 seconds just because I like the sound of it. But every time I hear the 'rrrriiiip!!' of a newly shuffled deck of cards I cringe. People are proud of their shuffling skills. They want to show how fast and loud they can shuffle like it fucking matters. You want to impress me?? Show me how silently you can shuffle like someone who isn't craving attention like a 16 year old girl.
A lot of times it will just be two guys playing cards. Games involving each person to take turns throwing a card down. So in reality, if you were really good at shuffling and did a perfect shuffle with only two people playing, both players would end up with the exact same cards. Think about it, in theory, if you cut the deck perfectly and did that quick shuffling technique with cards taking turns going down from left to right over and over, both players will get the same cards that were just played! But, people rarely just shuffle one time. If they shuffle perfectly TWICE, then they are back to where they started like it was never shuffled! So all in all, if it's just two people playing and you want a real 'shuffled' deck dealt out that's different than what you just used, you're best off not shuffling at all. Consider your mind....blown.
But one of the most annoying and common nuisances here has got to be farting. You don't realize how disgusting men are until you're around them and living in close quarters with them for months at a time with no escape. We all fart. It's a part of life and we all like doing it, but you have to know where and when. Deployed men have no concept of that. Deployed men will let it rip as often as they can and never hold back. In fact, deployed men will purposely eat farty foods just to show off to everyone who the reigning Fart Master is. It's a title everyone strives for but only few men are disgusting enough to achieve.
An occasional nice loud fart is ok. If you plan it right, like during the middle of Schindler's List, it will really lighten the mood a bit. When you're outside in a crowd and it's quite, I welcome a good fart. But when we're inside on the couch watching movies while eating an apple or some thing...hold that shit in motherfucker! When I come in from working my ass off in the cold, I just want to sit down and relax and have a bite to eat without smelling a man's ass. 6 months of food glazed off with a hint of ass is something I hope I never get use to, but probably will.
The farting here never stops. Everywhere you go. It doesn't matter. And if one person hears a fart, someone else has got to top it. They don't care if they shit their pants either. As long as theirs was louder and stinkier, they're happy. They'll change their underwear later. They want to savor their fart championship win as long as they can.
Like Chinese water torture, but with shitty smelling air particles as water and my nose as the head it drops on, the stench never goes away. From A.M to P.M. It starts off first thing in the morning. I wake up to my roommates alarm...and then his ass. Instead of opening his mouth to yawn and stretch, he starts his day off by opening his butt cheeks and sending a blast of ass my way. His alarm and ass both go off about 2 hours before I need to get up. Most of the time I end up going to the gym just to leave the room. Might as well. I can't go back to sleep in that gas chamber. So I guess if I leave Bagram in the best shape of my life, I will have my roommate's ass to thank for that.
Going to the gym is one of the only hobbies you can do here. There aren't many other options. It's either collect rocks, write stories about shitting and farting, or go to the gym. I've done all 3. I prefer shit stories the most. Going to the gym is just too much work. I use to be addicted to going to the gym too. I wanted to be the biggest and strongest guy around. I took lots of supplements. I ate more food in a day than most eat in a week. My whole life revolved around going to the gym. I wanted to be like the guys in the magazines. But after about two years of pushing myself and wasting so much money and time on working out, I realized you CAN'T look like the guys in the muscle magazines. At least not legally. I also like the size of my balls and didn't want that to change. I've named them too. The Colossusses of Rhodes. Should probably be "Colossi" or some shit like that, but for something as big and beautiful at mine, it needs to be called Colossusses.
One of the reasons I stopped being such a gym nut was because all those supplements cost way too much. A 12 pack of beer is a lot cheaper and a lot more fun so I'd rather spend my money on that. The ONLY good thing about being deployed is the extra money. More money is great. Just sucks that there's nothing here to spend it on. It's bad enough that they don't have beer here, but they need to have a mini casino or an amusement park or something. Anything. Just something to blow our extra money on. I don't mind wasting money on stupid stuff because at least all the hard earned money I worked for here went to something and I got to enjoy it. Instead, I have to wait 6 months to reap the benefits. They could think of something. Offer helicopter rides for a fee. Jet skiing over ice. A room with a heater that actually works. You're own personal porto potty for 48 hours. I'd pay for it all! Take my money! Please!!
People who are married and/or have kids get extra money when they are deployed. An extra 250 dollars a month. It's called Family Separation Pay. So throughout a deployment they make 1500 dollars more than everyone else. 1500!! 1500 dollars extra to get away from their nagging wives, annoying kids, and responsibilities at home?? That's a well paid vacation! They already get paid extra for having a family when not deployed too. No other job in the world gives you a bigger paycheck just for being married and/or with kids. None! In fact, in the real world, you are more likely to get a job if you're single because employers will see that you will have less issues to deal with at home and more focused on the job. Military family's have it so good! Those lucky fucks!
No no, I'm just kidding. I know everyone loves their wives and husbands and kids and misses them a lot and military life and deployments are tough on all families. Though if a short military trip came up, it is always the married guys with kids who will jump on it. For all my non-military friends, a short military trip, one usually somewhere good and not to the Middle East, is called a TDY. And there is nothing family men love more than a short TDY away with friends from work who are also away from their kids too... because it's time to party.
TDY stands for Temporary Duty. I once heard a guy refer to it as "Temporary Divorced Yaaallll." And at that time I laughed so hard I started to choke on a peanut. Most men are good boys when TDY, they just want to have a good time. They are finally free and they get nights out with friends and didn't even need to get approval from their wives. They're on a business trip. It's as simple as that. And the married guys always drink more than everyone and are always the guys who suggest going to Hooters. They also buy beer for everyone too. They are just so damn happy that they got a free pass to party that they don't give a fuck. They are going to live each night like it's their last...and then call their wives before going to bed to tell them they're bored without them and that they have only been drinking from the mini bar in the room. Then the wife will suggest to her husband that, 'Hey babe, you should go out and have a drink with your friends.' But a married TDY man would never agree with an outrageous statement like that. He can't anyway. He has to 'work ' from 6am to midnight. Those are just the long hours you have to put in when you're TDY...or, at least that's what you tell your wife.
Seeing dads TDY are the reason I don't ever want kids. I know they love their family and they are just having a good time when they're on a business trip...but I just feel sorry for them because TDYs are the only time they can unwind. About a year and a half ago my mom and sister visited me while I was stationed in England. We were having lunch and talking about my sister's kids and then they asked me, 'So Dan, when are you going to have some of your own kids?' I told them that I don't think that will ever happen and they asked why. I sat back in my chair, took a drink of water and explained myself. 'When I wake up...when I come home from work...on my days off and holidays and when it's a nice day out...you know what I get to do?' They asked, 'What?' And I replied, 'Whatever the fuck I wanna do.'
My mom and sister wanted to laugh, but then they saw the seriousness on my face. They were speechless. They thought I was joking, but then they realized that my reasoning for not wanting kids was the simplest, yet greatest reason of all time. Freedom is a great thing. I'm in the military, which means I have way more bosses than any normal person should have. And when you have kids, you may be the parent, but really, your kids are the bosses because you work for them. You are their provider and they're your number one responsibility. And once your kids are taken care of in the morning and evening, if you are lucky to have ANY free time left, then it is spent on your spouse. Which doesn't have to be a bad thing. But after all that, when is the 'me' time? The time the man gets to relax with a beer and not be bothered. How many times can a married man with kids spend 3 hours watching a football game with beer and hot wings without being bothered? Maybe if the wife was nice and took the kids grocery shopping before the game it could happen. But do you think the wife could go those 3 hours with the kids without calling just to ask a stupid ass question? I highly doubt it.
I can watch the game in my underwear, leave beer bottles on the ground, play drums during commercials, and play video games during half time. It's awesome. And even if my girlfriend Jana is over, it's cool too. She likes when I play music, she loves video games more than me, and English isn't even her first language so I don't have to worry about hearing long stories about some bitch who gave her a dirty look at Wal-Mart. No kids, got money, a hot girlfriend who plays video games and doesn't talk much...as long as I'm not in Afghanistan, life is pretty sweet.
But I AM in Afghanistan. Most people don't have anyone close to them here. What about our single soldiers? They might not have freedom issues as home, but we all still want someone special to talk to while we're deployed. At least husbands and fathers have that. Married people might be 4000 miles away from family and in a hostile country and get paid extra for it, but what about the guy who is doing the same job in the same place and has no one at home waiting for them? Where's HIS extra money? Where's his, 'I survived Afghanistan by my own damn self' pay?
All the time you see very emotional pictures and videos of dad's deploying and then heartwarming pictures and videos of their return. It always makes for a good story and corny posts on Facebook. Posts and pictures of people saying, 'Don't forget about all the dads serving in Afghanistan this Christmas!' It will get over 100 'likes.' But the single guy serving in Afghanistan will only get comments on Facebook from friends saying, 'Merry Christmas fucker! Say hi to all the Ahmeds for me! Watch your butt hole lol!' Yes, ha ha ha... fucking asshole. And the news cameras never show the young single soldier off to the side. They only show wives and kids running up to other people. So many smiles and tears of joy. Then there's one young soldier struggling to carry all his 6 bags to his car by himself, only to soon find out that his car won't even start because it hasn't moved in 7 months. Welcome home soldier. America hates you.
Which brings me to my newest idea...every single man that returns home from a deployment should be picked up in a limo with a half naked whore inside. Not completely naked though. Might need to stop at Wal-Mart on the way home and don't want to waste too much time putting clothes back on. And the whore would help with the bags too. The deployment bags AND the ones from Wal-Mart. She would then welcome him home properly. And by, 'welcome him home properly' I mean to do what Chris Rock once said...every man's fantasy...feed me, fuck me, then shut the fuck up. Come on USO! Our boys deserve it! It's bad enough you don't have baggage carts at the Baltimore airport but you can at least make this happen! Give our single troops something to look forward to! And she doesn't even need to be hot! These guys have been in Afghanistan for at least 6 months! They'd fuck a young Filipino man if he had a blonde wig on! Ya...I think I'm less of an Air Force sergeant...more of a prophet.
