But it wasn't ALL bad. I learned a lot. Mainly what NOT to do. I made some money, lost some weight, and I'll get a new ribbon or two to put on my fancy blue uniform. Too bad I only have to wear that uniform when I get in trouble though. But at least when I fuck up and my commander is bitching at me in my fancy blue uniform, he will see that Afghanistan ribbon on my chest and know that whatever bullshit he throws at me...whatever he tries to say to break me...that none of it will work. Try your best. I dare you. I have been deployed to Bagram Afghanistan. There's no shit I can't handle.
It's really common to talk about what you plan on doing once you return home from a deployment. We all have our fantasies and start to think about them before the deployment even starts. Going over all the ideas and telling others instantly puts smiles on people's faces. Most guys don't want anything too special or crazy either. Just some beer, a burger, time with loved ones, and some more beer. But while others think about what they plan on doing on their first day back, I'm busy thinking about my last day here and the flight home. It's the greatest 3 days of a deployment. It's what I like to call, the 'Fuck You, I'm Out' weekend. And this is how I imagine it....
So there I am, laying in bed. Like always, my roommate's alarm clock goes off two hours before mine and 30 minutes before he even needs to get up. For 6 months straight I have woken up to his alarm clock and listened to it 6 times each morning since he hits the snooze button 5 times before ever getting up. After I hear it go off once, I immediately get up and walk over to his bed and rip the alarm off from its socket. I go outside and place it underneath the tire of a forklift which I parked beside our building the night before. I get in the forklift and run over the alarm clock back and forth about 30-40 times. I get out of the forklift and pull out a hammer and begin to smash every little piece of that alarm clock which wasn't 100 percent destroyed yet. After I am done, I bury the alarm ashes in the dirt and take a piss on top of it. Rest in pieces you annoying motherfucker.
I am sure my roommate is still in bed trying to sleep and has no idea I took his alarm, so I walk in, turn the lights on and make as much noise as I can. Every single day I have been sneaking around my own room in the dark trying to be as quite as possible, but not today. I'm knocking shit over, spilling water, singing 'Sweet Home Alabama,' farting, and taking down the black blanket covering our window for the first time since I've been here. But all of this won't matter. My roommate will still be asleep. But luckily I received the air horn I ordered from Amazon two weeks ago and I will finally get to use it. And even better, yesterday my megaphone finally came in too. I turn the megaphone on just 3 feet from my roommate's head and place the air horn right behind it against the speaker. I squeeze down on the air horn...'WAAAAAHHH!!! WAAAAAAHHH!!! WAAAAAHHHH!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
I grab my bathroom items and head to the showers. I close the door to the shower room and lock it shut so no one else can come in and disturb me. It will be tough trying to take a shower normally again once I get home. I am always paranoid here. Even once I do get home to my own shower, I will still probably just let dropped soap stay where it falls. Some habits are just too hard to break.
It is always so cold in the shower room here, so I'll turn on every shower to the hottest setting so it feels like a fucking sauna in there. I get inside a shower and stay there for at least 30 minutes...far exceeding the recommended 3 minute showers we are suppose to take. After I feel good and fully clean for the first time in 6 months, I step out of the shower but I don't walk away just yet. I take a piss in the shower I was just in because I have been wanting to do that since I've been here. Do you know how much it stings having to take a piss once you are already in the shower but have to wait until you are done and fully dressed to do it?? It sucks!! I held my piss in for my other dormmates for far too long! But not today mother fuckers! Sorry the ground is a bit sticky, that was me too!
I will start brushing my teeth using my toothbrush, toothpaste, and a small cup. When I get done I will have a small chat with the person who just showed up next to me who is brushing his teeth too. 'Why the fuck do you not use a cup?!?! You just keep spitting out toothpaste like you're puking every 10 seconds!! How hard is it to use a tiny little Dixie cup?! You can get like 50 for 2 dollars!! One cup alone will last at least two weeks too! But instead you just won't use water to brush or you will scoop water in your hand and bring it up to your face like a neanderthal or put your head down and suck water straight out of the tap like a fucking dog!! Why am I the only civilized person in the world who uses a cup??'
I may have been a bit harsh on that guy, but it was something that really needed to be said. But anyway...I will get coffee before my last day at work at the coffee shop. The espresso machine has been broken for the last 4 months, but in this fantasy I will pretend that it actually works. I will be waiting in line with a big smile on my face. Last coffee for my last day at work. I'm feeling pretty excited. There's a long wait for coffee today but I don't mind. I get in back of the line and stand there. Someone orders. The line moves up. Another person orders, and the line moves up again. But for the past two orders, the whole line has moved up except for me and the guy in front of me. There's a big gap. Why hasn't the guy moved up? He's not texting or talking to anyone, he's just standing there looking forward and HAS to see the gap! Why is he not moving?? Look! We're just standing out in the open like a bunch of fucking idiots!
Another guy walks up behind me and asks if I'm in line. I say, 'Yes I'm in line' very loudly so the guy in front of me hears and moves up...but he doesn't move up! What is wrong with this guy?! I peaked over and his eyes are open. He SEES this! He sees the big gap! Yet he still chooses not to move forward! So finally I just say fuck it and move around and start to get in front of him because he must be in a coma or something. He looks at me and goes, 'Oh hey, I'm in line here.' At which point I just throw my hands up in the air and mumble some angry gibberish while I turn and walk out the door. If only I would have taken a 28 minute shower instead of a 30 minute shower I could have avoided that whole mess! Line Etiquette! Learn it people! Live by it. Die by it. Do it.
At this point, I'm just in a really bad mood and I want to tell off a whole bunch of people. I will start with the Arab cleaners...'Hey, you're all gay! Every one of you! I know it's like illegal in your religion and all, but you stare at other men and touch them and hold their hands in public. That's not being friendly...you're all just a bunch of queers. Accept it. You're all going to Hell. No 72 virgins for you. But that wouldn't matter because those virgins would be female and a tight pussy disgust all of you.'
After revealing to them their harsh reality, I will then move on to speaking the truth to every female on base. 'Hey, you're not hot. You're not hot. You're not hot. You're not hot. You'd be alright for a lesbian. You're not hot. You're not hot. Men only talk to you because you're nipples are always hard for some reason. You're not hot. You're not hot. Put a bag over your face and we'll talk. You're not hot. You're not hot. Put a bag over your GUT and we'll talk. You're not hot. You're not hot. And you? Are you even female? You can stop going to the gym honey. You've peaked. Those muscular thighs you think are sexy only make you seem like a dwarf wearing football pads.'
And lastly, I will go up to every strong looking dude in the gym and say, 'You're still short. You're still short. You're still short. You bench 350 and squat 450? Really?? You're still short. You're still short. Hey you over there! You're still short. Hey maybe if you add 45 more pounds to that bar it will make you grow 3 more inches. Wait, no, it won't. You'll be short forever. Oh don't mind me, I'll just be over here on an exercise bike for 5 minutes doing a half-ass work out. And I can because I'm tall and don't have to overcompensate for anything. But anyway...you're still short. You're still short. And you? You...you are a pretty big dude actually. And, uh...kind of 'pretty' for a guy. Your clothes seem a bit too tight also. Do you always lift weights in a skin tight uniform? Because if that's you're thing, I know a lot of Arab men who would just LOVE to meet you.'
After offending everyone on base, I will make my way to work. Luckily some of our work vehicles have cd players in them and I will finally be able to put in the one cd I brought with me from America and listen to the same song over and over all day. 'Oh...my...God. Becky, look at her butt...' And then the bass comes in. And then the first line of the song comes in. And then you get SPRUNG! I don't know what the fuck that means but I'm gonna be sprungin' out all DAY! My anaconda don't...want...none...unless you got buns hun! Waah peesh!
You know what? Scratch that. I don't want to listen to music on my last day of work. Instead, I want to watch all the movies sitting on our breakroom shelves that everyone else was too scared to watch. And yes I'm talking about all the chick flicks. Everyone needs a good cry once in awhile. Why not? And maybe men should see things from the female perspective for once. Maybe we could learn a thing or two. Is that such a bad thing? Wait...no...who am I kidding. No one cares what any female ever has to say. I only want to watch a chick flick in case there is a nip slip during a sex scene. 2 seconds of nipple will make watching 2 hours of female movie dumbness totally worth it.
On my last day of work I will finally take a proper lunch break. I ordered real silverware in preparation for this sacred event. No more plasticware for me that breaks off after the first bite. Oh no. Today I will eat like a king. I'll even bust out a real plate with a gay little flower design on it. And I'll keep dropping my silverware on the plate as much as possible so that everyone can hear me and be jealous. I will spend a good hour eating my meal. That's about 55 minutes longer than I usually get for lunch. And when I get done, I will dunk my only once used fancy plate and silverware straight in the trash like Michael Jordan closing out a game in the 4th quarter. It will be powerful and unnecessary. I'm just there to let everyone else know that I'm awesome and don't give a fuck. I throw out kitchenware after only one use because I'm a straight up BALLA!!
I will have an important mission to go on before returning to work. For some reason, over half the people on this base are officers. I don't know why, but officers all are you see walking around here. Back home only about 1 in 10 guys are officers, but here you have to wear sunglasses constantly from all the brass walking around. I spend most of my free time here avoiding officers. I have taken the long route almost everywhere I go just because I'm sick of all the saluting. But even worse, I'm sick of not getting saluted back and holding my hand up like a fucking idiot. So today, I'm going to do something about it. It's time to go hunting. I'm going to put on my Boba Fett mask and find myself some officer prey.
I spent my whole time here avoiding the barrage of officers, but today it's time to take back the sidewalks that belong to us enlisted men. No more hiding in fear. It's time to BE feared. I am going to seek out every damn officer on this base and salute the FUCK out of them. And if they don't see me or salute back, I will turn back around and be sure to make myself known. 'Good afternoon sir!! How are you today, SIR?!' My saluting arm would be so tight and strong that it could cut through glass. It will pop up fast like a Jack in the Box on crack and come back down swift and fierce like an alligator closing it's mouth on a redneck's leg.
No one will escape me. I will be walking back and forth and hunting down brass like a Gestapo. Captains will see me from a mile away and panic. Majors will tremble with fear as they look into my possessed eyes. Colonel's won't even leave the friendly confines of their office because they know that my salutes are nothing to fuck with. I'll be popping up more salutes than collars on the Jersey shore. Pow! Pow! Pow! Officers won't just SEE my salutes, they will FEEL them! They will feel them in their SOUL! You know that glaucoma test you get at the eye doctor when they shoot a puff of air in your eye and it scares that shit out of you? Imagine that puff over your whole body. That's the feeling they'll get when I pop out my salute. I'm about to hit every officer on this base with a blast of FREEDOM!
After my arm gets tired and I saluted everyone...including the ones that were sleeping that I woke up...Pow!!...Pa-Pow!!, I will head back to work. I will probably just work one more plane. I don't want to over exert myself or risk getting injured right before I leave. I will spend most of my day writing dirty limericks inside all the porto potties. It will be the craziest, most fucked up and detailed shit anyone has ever read. Like the kind of shit that only someone who wrote 13 long chapters of a blog solely from his phone in Afghanistan could think up. It's going to be very time consuming too because of all the 'I's I will have to draw in the shape of a penis. I don't WANT to do it, and it seems very immature, even for me, but there are rules. 'If you draw inside a bathroom stall, you must add a picture of a fully detailed and fully erect penis.' I may not agree with it, but I'm not here to break rules and cause any trouble. Freedom isn't free....it'll cost you a penis picture in the bathroom.
The only reason I will work a plane on my last day is just to tell an air crew how much I hate them. I will get to the plane at the time I was told to be there...which for some reason is always 45-60 minute before the crew ever shows up. I will see them all walking up to the plane smiling and with food in their hands and the rant will start. 'Where the fuck WERE you?! You were suppose to be here an hour ago!! I wait for your bitch asses an hour each day and nothing happens, but if you ever have to wait 2 minutes on ME, my commander hears about it and takes our ping pong table away!! What the fuck do you do anyway?! You crew members are just glorified flight attendants while you watch me do all the hard work for you, and you pilots are just glorified bus drivers!! And shave those fucking mustaches!! Do you think that's cool?? Are you a fucking New York City cop in 1977?? Unless you're on your way to a gang bang, shave that filthy shit off!! You look fucking ridiculous!! Oh and another thing...I just took a huge dump in and AROUND the toilet seat. I hope you don't mind that smell all the way to Germany you fuck faces!!' And at that point I immediately drop my microphone on the ground and walk off into the sunset. I have been keeping a microphone in my back pocket for the last 6 months in preparation of this day. It wasn't plugged in or anything, but a good mic-drop always adds a little more emphasis on what was just said. They might have thought I was just playing before, but when they see that mic drop, they know that THIS ninja is serious.
After walking for nearly 2 miles towards the sun set, I finally turn around and head back to my office. It's time to clean out my locker. This is a glorious moment. Erasing your existence from Afghanistan is a wonderful thing. Though all I really had in my locker was a picture of my girlfriend Jana, some candy, and some muffins with an expiration date from last year. As I turned back around, I thought that this would be the moment that I would begin to start saying my speech of, 'Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, fuck you, I'm out!' But I don't hate anyone here (besides aircrew), and I will miss a lot of people. I do one of the hardest and most thankless jobs in the military. We work when others are off. We work when others eat. We work outside in the rain, snow, and heat while others check their email. We work for our normal pay check without getting a reenlistment bonus like other jobs in the military. We continue working even though there have been more deaths this year doing our job than any other job in the Air Force. We get yelled at by leadership who have never done our job before yet keep telling us to do it better without giving any solutions on how. We deploy more than anyone, because without else, the military doesn't move or operate. And what is the thanks we get? I don't know. I've been waiting 12 years for it.
We are a tight knit group of people. We help each other out and want the best for everyone. We all have been through some shit, but all that bullshit has brought us closer together. Farewells in my job are rarely ever negative or mean spirited. They are a joyous occasion. The person leaving is happy as fuck to be leaving, and the people staying behind now have a greater hope that they soon will be next. They saw someone come and go and make it out alive. They can do it too. This is just a well paid prison sentence for the good and innocent, but at least we know we will all leave here eventually. The scars from our work are only temporary, but the friendships we made earning those scars together will last a lifetime.
After saying my final goodbyes, I will have one more job left to do...to clog up the women's bathroom. There is a normal men and women's toilet at work here, but with roughly 50 men in my building at a time, most just prefer to use a porto potty outside rather than wait to use the one toilet. And I don't have to remind you how disgusting porto potties in Afghanistan are and how horrible it is to take a shit in a frozen one during the dead of winter. But since there are only about 8 females in my building at one time, they all can share that one toilet...or even be allowed to use our leadership's toilets because they're female and females in the military are allowed to get away with anything. So while us men have been shitting in AIDS infested porto potties the past 6 months, women have been using real toilets. It's not fair. I'm sick of it. Women keep bitching about equality but none of them really want it. Being treated like a women is the best part about being a women. But you know what...it's time that they realize what being treated like a man in the military really feels like.
For breakfast I ate corn beef and hash with 6 eggs and a lot of melted cheese on top. An hour later I ate a whole can of refried beans. For desert I ate 3 Payday candy bars. I don't take gym supplements, but today I decided to have an extra large chocolate protein shake. A couple hours passed by and I decided to do a few jumping jacks followed by about 20 sit ups. My stomach starts to gargle. It's making weird noises I've never heard before. I'm about to give birth to a food baby. "Its... tiiiiiiiiiiimme!!"
I go to the women's bathroom and sit down on the toilet and hold on tight. I take a deep breath and begin to push. On the inside of the bathroom stall I taped up a picture of Rose Parks as motivation. 'Is this what you want?? You want some equality Rosa?? Do ya?? Well HERE it is!!' After I am done throwing up from my anus, I realize that Rose Parks stood more for African American rights than women rights, but I didn't care. She was still a women damnit, and if women want equality in the work place, then I'm about to give it to them.
The toilet is completely filled with shit. It looks like a couple of deflated footballs on top of each other. I don't know if it will flush and I'm not going to test it. And I doubt any female is going to take their chances either. Most will run away at the sight of it. They will jump and scream and be mad. Not because their toilet is clogged up since it looks like an elephant just used it, but because they realized that they will now have to use an Afghan porto potty. Welcome to the 21st century ladies. Is equality everything you hoped for?
