The first day at a new job is always horrible. Right away you are immediately judged by everyone. Whatever you say and do within the first 10 seconds of meeting someone new will reflect how they will think of you forever. I hate to think about what people would say after their first encounter with me. "That guy was a bit weird. Why did he giggle after answering a simple yes or no question? What the fuck was he starring at? Why doesn't he just shave his head and accept the fact that hair will never again grow on the top of his head? What's the deal with those fucking eye drops?! And why does his last name sound like a sneeze?? What the fuck IS that? Is he Armenian or some shit?!' I often bring out a lot of hate in people. I have no idea why.
One of the first things I needed to do in Afghanistan was to have a gun issued to me. Yup. Another Air Force guy with a gun. Like giving a screw driver to a monkey. I think the only reason they issue us guns is so we can take pictures holding them while trying to look tough and then post them on Facebook pretending we are actually real soldiers. 'Playing' Army is great. So much fun. But if I had to spend one full day in the "real" Army I'd probably kill myself.
Unless you're a cop, air crew, or Special Forces, guns in the Air Force are pointless. Our only 'combat training' is shooting one bullet a time at paper targets that aren't moving about once a year. And when you get to Afghanistan they talk to you a lot about attacks and how to prepare for it. All they tell us to do is to get down, take cover, or just run away. If there's a bomb blast in the distance or gun shots are fired, no one is going to look at the nearest Air Force guy and say, 'Hey, go see what the problem is. Oh and remember, that little lever by your finger is the trigger and it makes the gun go boom. Go get em tiger!'
There are about 15,000 people assigned to Bagram. That's crazy. Only about 4,000 are Air Force. So thank God there's about 11,000 other people on this base who actually know how to use a gun while the Air Force can sit back and drink their coffee and talk about the 'horrors of war' via Skype with their girlfriends and wives. And it seems that half of those 11,000 are officers. And for some reason, in a war zone, we are still required to salute every officer. These officers are nothing like Lieutenant Dan. They don't care if the Vietcong know that they're an officer. In fact, they want ALL enemies to know that they are the boss and you better salute them.
Possibly the greatest thing about the Air Force is our large rank insignia. You can spot a Master Sergeant a mile away. The other Armed Services like to make fun of our overly large rank, but I have no idea why. Depending on the military branch and uniform they are wearing, most of the time you have to get within 5 feet to determine someone's rank. It's fucking annoying. It's so nice in the Air Force to spot an officer all the way down the street. It gives us plenty of time to start planning out our escape route or to turn around and start looking at our phone simply to just get out of a salute.
Saluting isn't hard. We don't hate officers. Raising our hand to someone is not a big deal. It's just like saying 'hello.' But most of the time, saluting...is just awkward. It is rarely just you by yourself walking parallel and straight at an officer by himself. I wish it was, but it is never that simple. More often than not, that officer is with one or two people, and he's talking to those people. And they aren't walking straight at you, but instead, at a 30 degree angle moving away from you and one of the non-officers he's talking to is slightly blocking the view of you and the officer. You're not even sure if he really IS an officer, or if he's even paying attention to you or has any intention of saluting back. He's laughing, talking with friends, and me saluting is like walking into a conversation I'm not a part of and ruining it. So, do I mind my own business and disrespect military tradition and leadership and leave my hand down, or salute him and hope I get noticed? It's a daunting question I ask myself daily.
It's common practice in the military to, 'when in doubt, whip it out.' It's better to salute and look foolish, then to not salute and pray it isn't Captain America you walked by who just watched 'Patton' on Blu-Ray and is ready to tell you the Air Force regulation number on saluting and then suggesting you make an appointment with optometry because obviously you need glasses. And there isn't anything more embarrassing than saluting and not being noticed. It's like giving someone a high five and left hanging there, but this time, it's like being left hanging there by your boss and him saying 'fuck you peasant' as he walks by you. So then you're left there pretending to scratch your head hoping someone like me isn't laughing behind you.
One common practice a lot of officers do is say 'thank you' after you walk by and salute them. I never understood this. Most just say 'Hi,' 'Good morning,' 'How are you?' Things like that. Basic stuff. A simple way to answer a salute. But saying, 'Thank you' is just arrogant. Whenever I hear that after a salute, I translate that to, 'Thank you for recognizing my excellence. Please go in peace my son.' Though it's really just the new and really young officers that do this. The same officers that were just getting their driver's license when I was already a sergeant in the Air Force. So a lot of times when I salute these officers, I sorta feel like I just made their day. They saw me, told me 'thank you,' and walked straight back to their car and picked up their phone. 'Mom! Mom! Guess what?! It happened AGAIN today! Just like in the movies! You would be SOOO proud! I'll try to get someone to take a picture next time! I'm gonna Instagram that shit! I was like Tom fucking Cruise out there!!'
Chapter 5 - "All Hail the Desert Queen!...and Robin Meade"
Men hate being deployed. All the hard work, long hours, bad food, no women touching allowed, no beer, being in a dangerous hostile country, rape being frowned upon...the list goes on. But the people who LOVE it here...are the average, to slightly below average looking females. You know the kind...the girls you walk by back in America that you don't think twice about...the girls that aren't fat and ugly enough to make fun of, but also not pretty enough to hold the door open for. Just your normal every day run of the mill hoes. Well, in the Middle East, those same hoes you wouldn't carry a heavy box 20 feet for, are now royalty.
The 'Desert Queen.' God's gift to deployed soldiers everywhere. She is a simple women, usually holding the rank just below sergeant, early to mid 20s, slightly overweight, and wears clothes just a little bit too tight. But she doesn't care. She's hot. Or, she at least THINKS she is. She's only 'hot by comparison.' And her only comparison is the lady who takes your laundry dressed in all black covered from head to toe.
The Desert Queen's hair is always curly and slightly messed up because she can never get it straight. Her pimply face can only be noticed from less than 10 feet away. Her bottom set of teeth are in desperate need of some dental work. But from 20 feet away, the Desert Queen looks just like the Mona Lisa....not hot...but hot enough to fuck....with the lights off.
The Desert Queen is the happiest person on base. She has never had so much attention in her life. It's a sea of dicks and she's the fucking bait. There is nowhere else in the world where a '4' could get away with doing such a little amount of half-ass work because even the Desert Queen's boss is one of her loyal subjects. She has all the men wrapped around her finger because she wears perfume and once made a sex joke which led all men on to believe that she is a dirty slut who will fuck anyone. Many have tried and most were successful...in the porto potties...because that's where the Desert Queen likes it.
A Desert Queen's greatest enemy...another 4...or even worse...a 5. Because when you're the only young girl in the building, you know that all eyes are on you. And whatever stupid-ass, no-sense-making joke you say will still get laughed at by all the men in the room...until another flat-footed duck-walking thick thighs baggy-eyed skank comes walking in. And then the competition starts. Each girl trying to prove who the biggest flirt is. It becomes a cat fight between two girls which 5 months ago needed at least 6 beers for you to think were fuckable. A lot of girls like to remind men in the Middle East that they're married. But I think that's just their way of saying, 'I'll fuck you, but nothing weird. Only reverse cowgirl...in the porto potty.'
So that leaves us with the girls who are actually hot...and the REALLY ugly girls. I often hear stories of hot girls in Afghanistan. Actual '8s.' Like, REAL WORLD 8s, not a desert 8. Every once in awhile I'll hear a story about a hot aircrew member or a medical chick some dude saw while walking to work. He will describe her in such great detail too. It's amazing how deployed men can become literary experts when describing a women that was wearing the same exact thing as every other women he has ever seen in the past 6 months. And every man who hears these stories will listen in closely as if Jesus himself was reading the Old Testament out loud. Though I have never seen a truly hot women while deployed before, I like to believe that they do exist. Sorta like Bigfoot. Probably not out there...but sure is fun to think about.
But I do feel a little bit bad for the Desert Queens. Once they all return from a deployment and they're back in America, they all suffer with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder due to the lack of attention they receive. They have to go back being a "4" in a world of "6s" and "7s" with no men to talk to or to laugh at their lame jokes. And what about all the other chicks? All the women in a war zone BELOW a "4?" Well, if you're in Afghanistan on a base with over 10,000 men who haven't been with a women in months and STILL no one is flirting with you??...bitch, you naaaasty.
But do you know who ISN'T nasty? Do you know the American military man's favorite tv personality? It is no other than CNN's Robin Meade. Oh my God yes. Robin has gotten soldiers through so many conflicts, elections, and wacky redneck humor throughout the years. There aren't many other people in the world who could make a murder seem sexy like Ms.Meade.
We get American television in Afghanistan. We get a lot of shows. A lot of GOOD shows, but we are never allowed to watch them. Most of the time, if you are lucky enough to watch American programming overseas, you will only be allowed to watch the news. I guess all our military commanders don't think we will stay vigilante if we watch any kind of entertaining tv. So more often than not, CNN news will be on every tv in a military office. And more often than not, like an angel that doesn't ever need to sleep, the sultry Robin Meade will always be there to inform us about all the latest events. Robin Meade is the most underrated news anchor of all time. She has been kicking the new's ass on a national level for over a decade now and hasn't aged a bit. She is an icon. Larry King, Walter Cronkite, Dan Rather, and Robin fucking Meade. They are all worthy to be on the Mount Rushmore of tv news personalities.
I don't know if it exist, but I'm thinking of starting a,'Troops for Robin Meade' Facebook page. B-list celebrities, crappy country musicians, 2nd string athletes come and visit troops in the Middle East all the time and they are treated like rock stars and everyone goes nuts. If Robin Meade came to visit Afghanistan, I'm pretty sure this base would implode from not being able to handle the sheer awesomeness of every troop's favorite television star gracing us with her presence. Fuck 2014, Obama would have to pull out all the troops immediately before a riot of horny soldiers broke out across the whole country.
It wouldn't matter if the troops left early because terrorism would be gone. The Taliban would see Robin up close and their whole view of America would change. She could do a news cast in the middle of the Afghan mountains surrounded by Al Qaeda holding onto AK-47s and rocket launchers while they sit on the ground with the biggest smile on their faces. They have no idea what she's saying. They just stare at that long dark hair with big full lips and large breasts trying to bust out through her tight cashmere sweater. When she finished, everyone would stare off to the sunset and turn their weapons around and blow their own fucking head off. They just saw a Robin Meade newscast live in-person. Their life has peaked. Nothing will top that moment. Everything else they do won't amount to shit. No point in them living any longer. Robin Meade. Now THAT my friends, is how to end terrorism.
The Desert Queen is the happiest person on base. She has never had so much attention in her life. It's a sea of dicks and she's the fucking bait. There is nowhere else in the world where a '4' could get away with doing such a little amount of half-ass work because even the Desert Queen's boss is one of her loyal subjects. She has all the men wrapped around her finger because she wears perfume and once made a sex joke which led all men on to believe that she is a dirty slut who will fuck anyone. Many have tried and most were successful...in the porto potties...because that's where the Desert Queen likes it.
A Desert Queen's greatest enemy...another 4...or even worse...a 5. Because when you're the only young girl in the building, you know that all eyes are on you. And whatever stupid-ass, no-sense-making joke you say will still get laughed at by all the men in the room...until another flat-footed duck-walking thick thighs baggy-eyed skank comes walking in. And then the competition starts. Each girl trying to prove who the biggest flirt is. It becomes a cat fight between two girls which 5 months ago needed at least 6 beers for you to think were fuckable. A lot of girls like to remind men in the Middle East that they're married. But I think that's just their way of saying, 'I'll fuck you, but nothing weird. Only reverse cowgirl...in the porto potty.'
So that leaves us with the girls who are actually hot...and the REALLY ugly girls. I often hear stories of hot girls in Afghanistan. Actual '8s.' Like, REAL WORLD 8s, not a desert 8. Every once in awhile I'll hear a story about a hot aircrew member or a medical chick some dude saw while walking to work. He will describe her in such great detail too. It's amazing how deployed men can become literary experts when describing a women that was wearing the same exact thing as every other women he has ever seen in the past 6 months. And every man who hears these stories will listen in closely as if Jesus himself was reading the Old Testament out loud. Though I have never seen a truly hot women while deployed before, I like to believe that they do exist. Sorta like Bigfoot. Probably not out there...but sure is fun to think about.
But I do feel a little bit bad for the Desert Queens. Once they all return from a deployment and they're back in America, they all suffer with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder due to the lack of attention they receive. They have to go back being a "4" in a world of "6s" and "7s" with no men to talk to or to laugh at their lame jokes. And what about all the other chicks? All the women in a war zone BELOW a "4?" Well, if you're in Afghanistan on a base with over 10,000 men who haven't been with a women in months and STILL no one is flirting with you??...bitch, you naaaasty.
But do you know who ISN'T nasty? Do you know the American military man's favorite tv personality? It is no other than CNN's Robin Meade. Oh my God yes. Robin has gotten soldiers through so many conflicts, elections, and wacky redneck humor throughout the years. There aren't many other people in the world who could make a murder seem sexy like Ms.Meade.
We get American television in Afghanistan. We get a lot of shows. A lot of GOOD shows, but we are never allowed to watch them. Most of the time, if you are lucky enough to watch American programming overseas, you will only be allowed to watch the news. I guess all our military commanders don't think we will stay vigilante if we watch any kind of entertaining tv. So more often than not, CNN news will be on every tv in a military office. And more often than not, like an angel that doesn't ever need to sleep, the sultry Robin Meade will always be there to inform us about all the latest events. Robin Meade is the most underrated news anchor of all time. She has been kicking the new's ass on a national level for over a decade now and hasn't aged a bit. She is an icon. Larry King, Walter Cronkite, Dan Rather, and Robin fucking Meade. They are all worthy to be on the Mount Rushmore of tv news personalities.
I don't know if it exist, but I'm thinking of starting a,'Troops for Robin Meade' Facebook page. B-list celebrities, crappy country musicians, 2nd string athletes come and visit troops in the Middle East all the time and they are treated like rock stars and everyone goes nuts. If Robin Meade came to visit Afghanistan, I'm pretty sure this base would implode from not being able to handle the sheer awesomeness of every troop's favorite television star gracing us with her presence. Fuck 2014, Obama would have to pull out all the troops immediately before a riot of horny soldiers broke out across the whole country.
It wouldn't matter if the troops left early because terrorism would be gone. The Taliban would see Robin up close and their whole view of America would change. She could do a news cast in the middle of the Afghan mountains surrounded by Al Qaeda holding onto AK-47s and rocket launchers while they sit on the ground with the biggest smile on their faces. They have no idea what she's saying. They just stare at that long dark hair with big full lips and large breasts trying to bust out through her tight cashmere sweater. When she finished, everyone would stare off to the sunset and turn their weapons around and blow their own fucking head off. They just saw a Robin Meade newscast live in-person. Their life has peaked. Nothing will top that moment. Everything else they do won't amount to shit. No point in them living any longer. Robin Meade. Now THAT my friends, is how to end terrorism.
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