The base got attacked again. This time it was on President's Day. Another holiday. I don't think the local terrorists around here realize that this is a deployment for us and we don't get holidays off. It's not like they are doing a surprise attack that will go on without any repercussions. Thanks for giving away your position by shooting a bottle rocket at us. An A-10 is about to take off now and shred your dirty sandal wearing ass to pieces.
I'm supposed to leave here...some time this summer. Who knows? But what I do know is that I really don't want to be here on the 4th of July. This base was attacked on Christmas and President's Day. I would bet my left nut that they attack us on America's birthday too. (Though technically the Declaration of Independence wasn't even signed on the 4th. It was signed about a month later. It was created a couple days before the 4th too. There is virtually no real significance on July 4th. Google it. But I digress...) It's not that I'm afraid of any forthcoming attacks, I just don't want to be around when old sergeants and commanders start making lame jokes. 'Well at least we got some real fireworks on the 4th after all! Hahaha!'' Jesus! Shut the fuck UP!! I KNOW someone will say it. More than one person too. And it is going to piss me the fuck off. God I hate puns. This isn't England! We don't want any 'cheeky' jokes! We are American! Fart, penis, and slightly racist jokes ONLY!
They do a lot of, 'controlled detonations' here. It's a supervised explosion. It's when they practice blowing up land mines and other things. It usually happens pretty far away but you can still hear it, so they make an announcement over the loud speaker when it's about to happen so that people don't freak out and start running and shooting off weapons. It doesn't matter to me though. I'm in the Air Force. I don't know how to shoot. I've been here almost 3 months now and I still can't find the R1 button on my gun.
A couple weeks ago I heard the controlled detonation announcement go off while I was outside. You can usually hear a small explosion in the distance a couple minutes after the announcement. But this time about 10 minutes had passed and I never heard anything. I just figured that the detonation was just so far away this time that I couldn't hear it. But all of a sudden, 'BAM!' It was a huge explosion that sounded less than 100 yards away. I was standing next to 6 other people outside. All of them jumped and yelled and instinctively put their head down and put a hand on their weapons. Most were just scared and didn't know what to do and freaked out a bit. Understandable. Most people would. If you hear a huge 'Bam!' in America, it just means a group of rednecks are playing one of their favorite games. But if you hear a huge 'Bam!' in Afghanistan, it means shit just got real.
When I heard the explosion, all I said was, 'Shit.' I didn't yell it. I just said it out loud in my normal speaking voice. I didn't even move back or flinch while others around me were holding theirs heads yelling, 'Oh fuck!!' It only took a couple seconds for everyone to realize that it was just another controlled detonation, but at that moment, I've never been so proud of myself.
I get scared a lot. Mainly at spiders, scary movies, Martin Luther King boulevards...all the normal stuff. I freak out every time I watch a horror movie with creepy kids in it. I can't sleep for days. Those kind of movies really get to me. Kids. Walking around the house. Crying and pooping and being so needy. Uurrgh! That's my nightmare! So I always wondered how I would react during a real terrorist attack. You just never know. People say they would act a certain way and be a hero, but until that moment actually happens and you're being shot at, you have no idea how you will react. We practice for situations like this a lot, but practicing a combat situation and being IN combat is two very different things. Although I wasn't in combat and it was just a controlled detonation, for about 2 and a half seconds, a lot of us here thought we were and knew we would have to do something about it. The fact that I stayed calm and my underwear stayed dry really made me proud of myself. And that's a good thing because laundry service here has been extra slow lately and I would have been stuck wearing that same dirty underwear for a few days. I guess I could have thrown them out, but there's no way I would just throw out my favorite pair of Sponge Bob boxers.
Deployments and war isn't like the movies. And I would know because I've been deployed a lot...and all you do during a deployment is watch movies. And usually just bad movies. Movies that people donated or left behind or ones that a homeless shelter sent us because they were too bad even for them to be entertained with. But it doesn't matter. We're in Afghanistan. We'll watch anything. We'll watch chick flicks too. We don't care. A lot of us will complain about a chick flick being on and call it gay and tell people to change it, but secretly we all hope no one does. Especially if it's a chick flick we haven't seen before. The hardest part though is trying not to laugh or smile during a chick flick. You have to hold it in. You don't want to let people know you actually like it. But it's hard. There's barely any entertainment here, movies are all we got. We all miss our girlfriends and wives and feel pretty emotional out here, so when we hear Ryan Gosling make a cute little flirting joke to his current love interest in a movie, we just wanna giggle and say 'Awww!' and find a pillow so that we can hug it and let the tears flow out.
One thing I like to do, which I know must be super annoying to everyone around me...is to yell out what other movies I have seen obscure actors in. 'Hey that guy was the bad guy in Good Burger!' 'That guy was Pootie Tang!...from the movie Pootie Tang!' Every once in awhile you will watch a movie with someone who is totally out of touch with reality and only knows World of Warcraft and will watch a movie like Saving Private Ryan and yell out, 'Oh hey, that's the dude from Forrest Gump!' These are usually the same people that watch Family Guy and yell out every movie they are doing a parody of even though everyone else watching already knows because it's so fucking obvious. But I only yell out the obscure findings. The kind of things that only someone with way too much time on their hands would know. And this was my shining moment...
So there I was, watching Black Hawk Down for about the 48th time. Even though I have seen Black Hawk Down so many times, I've still never seen the ending. I always have something to suddenly do when the last 20 minutes starts. Do they get out alive? Do they finish the mission? What the fuck WAS the original mission anyway?? All I know is that the first 30 minutes are slow, then there's about 2 hours of combat that annoys everyone in your building which prompts them to yell, 'Turn it down!' because of all the non-stop machine gun fire. I love war movies and all, but sometimes these directors need to take a chill pill with all the gun fire and explosions. I watch movies to get entertained, not to have my ear drums bleed. Instead of wasting more money on special effects, they should spend it on real military issued combat boots for the actors to wear. It's all about being authentic. I know Timberlands when I see 'em.
If you haven't seen Black Hawk Down in awhile, I suggest watching it. There are so many famous actors in that movie. So many of them that you don't even notice some of the lesser known actors in it. It was bugging me a lot while I was watching it last because I saw this guy and I couldn't figure out what he was in. I wasn't even paying attention to the movie. I was fascinated by this guy. I was starring at him like he was John Lennon and I was Mark David Chapman. He was my Catcher in the Rye. Who are you?!? What movie were you in?!? I was getting so angry. I could have simply just got on a computer and checked, but that's like getting online to find an answer to a crossword puzzle. You know the answer but don't want to give in. You can't. It's like the final puzzle on the Wheel of Fortune. That answer is on the tip of your tongue and those 10 seconds are going down faster than a 50 dollar whore in Amsterdam. WHO ARE YOOOOUUU????
And then it hit me. 'It's Smalls! That's Smalls from The Sandlot! The main kid in the Sandlot! He's in Black Hawk Down!! Holy shit it's Smalls!' Hoooo--lllyyyyy fuck. I can not believe it. The poster child for ABC Family channel who's movie is on every single day in the summer, is in Black Hawk Down! I bet none of you reading this knew that, and now you do. You're welcome America. It's good to see Smalls find work after the Sandlot. That movie was a classic. Perhaps the best family movie ever made in the 90's. So of course after coming to the realization that Smalls was in Black Hawk Down, I was excited. I was shaking. It was like I just found the Holy Grail of useless crap. But...I was only 98 percent sure. Not 100 percent yet. I didn't want to start yelling out that he was Smalls until I was 100 percent sure. I have only spoken about 40 words to people in total during this whole deployment. I didn't want a quarter of those words to be proven as bullshit.
I ran over to our work computers. Every one of them was in use by somebody. Fuck! Someone get off! You're killing me Smalls! After breathing really heavy over someone's shoulder like a Great Dane after catching a frisbee, someone finally got off and I logged on a computer faster than a teenage boy logging on to look at porn while his mom goes grocery shopping. I googled, 'Black Hawk Down the Sandlot' and I saw a link pop up to an actor's IMDB page. I don't know his real name, no one does, but I saw his most recent picture and the fact that he was in Black Hawk Down AND The Sandlot, and I rejoiced. It was confirmed! Sweet serenity. I KNEW it!
I walked back into the break room and sat down quietly and continued to watch the movie. I was very calm and didn't say anything. I had to be very nonchalant. I didn't want people to know how ecstatic I was about my new finding. I was waiting until Smalls came on the screen again and then I was going to say it. I couldn't wait. I had butterflies in my stomach. I just wanted to let it out. I felt like a man waiting all night to propose to his girlfriend. I couldn't stop shaking my leg. I wanted to scream. I couldn't keep this secret inside me any longer. 'Did you issue the Code Red??' 'You're Goddamn right I did!!' And then it happened, Smalls came on the screen. And in the most arrogant, matter-of-factly type high pitched voice, I said, 'Oh hey, that guy is Smalls from the Sandlot.' I immediately smiled and sat back in my chair because I knew that I just rocked the world of everyone in that room. I was preaching like Master Yoda up there. I felt like I just told them all the meaning of life and they can now die happy. The phone lines on base will all be tied up for the next few hours because everyone will be busy telling their family and friends the most amazing fact known to man.
I wanted to sit there and enjoy my excellenceness, but no more than 2 seconds after I said that life-changing fact, the guy next to me turns and says, 'Oh ya, Tom Guiry, from the Sandlot. He's been in a bunch of stuff. You didn't know he was in Black Hawk Down?'
Uuurgh. I suddenly had the urge to go to the porto pottie. I didn't have to go to the bathroom, I just wanted to be alone for a bit and wait in there until the movie was over. I was then going to go back to my room and grab my pillow and bring it back to work with me. As soon as Black Hawk Down was over I was going to put in a chick flick and cry into my pillow like I just saw my home planet of Alderaan get blown up by the Death Star. I don't even CARE anymore! It's MY turn to pick a movie now! Fuck you and fuck Black Eagle Downer or whatever the fuck it is! You can either watch Bridget Jone's Diary with me now or get the fuck out!
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