4301 days. The streak is over at 4301. That's almost 12 years. Nearly 12 years I kept it going with my dedication and reliability. 4301 days of pain and suffering. 4301 days of snow and rain, car problems, and unnecessary road construction. But it was never enough. No matter what the world threw at me, I could not be stopped. It hasn't happened since June 11th 2001, but 4301 days later...I was finally late to work. It took almost 12 years...but I officially became a dirtbag.
I talked about this before and how important I believe being on time is and how much I despise late people. And for 4301 days I did practice what I preached and I was very proud of that. It's an amazing feat of human dependability. 4301 days without ever being late. How many people can say that? Not many. Not many ever in the history of EVER! Even the most dependable people will have something crazy or unexpected happen on the way to work at least once a year. A family emergency, a flat tire, their team down by 3 in the 4th quarter with under 2 minutes to go...there are a number of legitimate reasons people can be late to work. But none of those things ever effected me. If they did, I always got through it. I may have had to go double the speed limit or drive to work while my engine was smoking and about to blow up, but I always made it. I have always been Mr. Dependable. I'm the only person in the world who can call Cal 'The Iron Man' Ripken Jr, a pussy. 2131 games Cal? Really? Is that all? Millions of dollars a year just to drive to a ballpark and jog from the dugout to the short stop position 9 times a day? 2131? That number seems a bit small to me Cal. And what the fuck is an "oriole" anyway? An orange bird?? Who wants to see an orange bird?! This isn't the fucking Amazon! This is America! All our birds should be red, white, and blue!
4301 days have passed since I felt this small and irresponsible. Such a long time. I have been through so much since then. The last time I was late...Adam Sandler was actually in funny movies. The last time I was late... the Army and Air Force were wearing a camouflaged uniform that actually camouflaged into the outdoors. Could you imagine wearing a grey/blue uniform in Vietnam? We would have looked like fucking clowns out there and shot within seconds! The last time I was late... I was 3 ranks lower than my current rank....yet still had the same amount of responsibility. The last time I was late... airport security didn't have to do 'random' security checks on every brown person at the airport. The last time I was late...skinny jeans were only worn by openly gay people...not by men who are still in the closet. The last time I was late...Nickleback was considered an "ok" band to listen to. The last time I was late...no one cared about steroids in baseball because home runs are fucking awesome! The last time I was late...people on the show Friends were still playing characters in their late 20s for the 6th season in a row and no one seemed to mind. The last time I was late...the XFL, the Xtreme Football league, started AND ended. The last time I was late...Ray Lewis was considered an above average up and coming linebacker and not a murderer yet. The last time I was late...the world was a better place because the Black Eye Peas weren't around yet. The last time I was late...fleece vests and tucking in just the very front of your shirt was considered cool. Remember that shit?? The last time I was late...people were playing Resident Evil on a PlayStation 1 and were horrified! The last time I was late...George W Bush was considered a good president. Ya. Doesn't seem possible right? But there was a time...and that was the last time I was late.
At first, I felt really down about the whole thing. I felt like a loser. It was so embarrassing. But then I started thinking about it...when amazing streaks end, people are sad for a few seconds, but then they are cheered for the accomplishment they achieved. Do you think Joe DiMaggio got booed at game 57? No, he took a deep breath after it was all over and thanked the fans and probably went home and fucked Marilyn Monroe. But sadly for me...no really gives a shit how long you've gone without being late. Especially if you can't even prove it. And if I could, the streak wouldn't get me anything anyway. Ending it and finally coming in late just leads to disappointed looks on a lot of co-workers faces and a lot of lame jokes I am sure they have been waiting a long time to use.
I got to work and just prayed everything would be normal. I didn't want any changes or jokes or even give excuses why I was late...even though I DID have a great one, but whatever, it didn't matter. Late is late. Everything seemed fine and normal. We weren't busy and I sat down quietly to eat with everyone else at our table. Not much was said by anyone. Maybe no one even noticed I was late. I wasn't going to bring it up though. It was just business as usual and I was happy with that because now I could just move on with my life. But then, like a douche bag phoenix rising from some douche bag ashes at the end of the table I hear, 'Hey man, can you pass the 'tardy' sauce?' Yup. Uh huh. There it is. Everyone laughed. They were all waiting for it. And then even more jokes came as if they had a huge comedy meeting on how to burn me once I got to work. But what killed it was when one fuck said, 'Hey dude, what's you're favorite kind of shirt...Ed Tardy?!' To which my reply of course was, 'You know what, the last time I was late, Ed Hardy shirts were actually considered cool!' No one laughed or seemed to get it. There was silence. Only the sound of crickets chirping in the distance could be heard.
Whatever. Fuck those guys and all their jokes. I don't care. I'll embrace it. Because I know the truth about my accomplishment and how spectacular it is and no one can take that away from me. And maybe I WILL take my next vacation in New Orleans during Tardy Gras! And after work maybe I WILL read a homoerotic mystery story about the Tardy Boys while drinking a Batardy and Coke because I fucking earned it! ...ok looking back now, Ed Tardy WAS pretty funny...assholes.
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